Creating an Exit Plan for Leaving an Abusive Church
A couple of weeks ago, I spoke about Spiritual Abuse at a conference for youth pastors. In addition to discussing the trauma this abuse can cause and the impact it has on several domains in our lives, I also gave recommendations for how to create an exit plan for leaving an abusive church.
I was really nervous about sharing this part! I feel like Christianity still believes we should do everything we can to save toxic institutions. But an abusive church is no different from an abusive relationship. The best thing we can do for ourselves and the person abusing us is create firm boundaries and get out.
Okay, so we’ve concluded it’s time to leave. But where do we start? Here are three possible items to include in the exit plan.
Create an Emergency Exit Plan Fund
Ideally, we will leave on our own terms, after we’ve secured another job or built a thriving network elsewhere. But when an institution is so toxic it’s reached the level where systemic abuse is occurring, that atmosphere will likely be confusing and unpredictable. We may have to leave sooner than expected. If we know we’re leaving—we just don’t know when—it’s a good idea to start saving for that transition.
One practical step we can take is opening a High Yield Savings Account and contributing a little every month—as much as is practical. It’s a good idea to have an emergency fund anyway, but this is our Emergency Exit Plan Money. Having a little bit saved can help ease anxiety if we have to leave sooner than is ideal.
When I was leaving the last abusive church I worked for, I ended up leaving six months earlier than originally planned. The toxicity and abuse had gotten so bad that my body was experiencing physical symptoms, causing me to take medical leave for a few weeks. When I got back from leave, I knew I couldn’t wait until I had another job lined up. A month later, I resigned without having another job, which is evidence of how bad things were (I would never recommend this under normal circumstances, but these were not normal circumstances). The environment was so bad, I felt the stress of being unemployed might be less than the stress of the environment I worked in.
I got really lucky–a former deacon of that church helped me find a corporate job a few weeks after I resigned. I ended up not having any break in income. However, I could not have planned for this. I had about two months of expenses saved (financial advisors recommend three to six months). I definitely think leaving a toxic job qualifies as a reason to tap into an emergency fund!
Talk to People Outside the System
And I mean OUTSIDE the system. When I first discovered the toxicity at that last abusive church, I started calling friends and colleagues all over the country to get advice and encouragement. Some people I spoke to were part of the same denomination—so still a part of the system—and they gave me bad advice. Not one of them named what I was going through as abuse (it definitely was). They said things like, “Pick your poison,” and “Every church is dysfunctional,” and “You just have to figure out what you can handle because you’re going to find that everywhere.” While this consistent normalizing of abuse was one way I discovered that abuse was rampant in the Evangelical Church, and this discovery was a catalyst for starting Tears of Eden, it was also gaslighting. It made me feel like what I was experiencing wasn’t a big deal, that I was catastrophizing. I probably stayed even longer than I should have because people inside the system could not see the abuse for what it really was.
My therapist was the only person who named what I was going through as abuse. I also had a few colleagues and friends express enough outrage that I felt justified in my choice to leave. In order to access people outside the system, we might need to seek the help of a professional; we might need to dig deep and think creatively. If we have been in the system our whole lives, we’re probably wrapped up in all kinds of betrayal bonds and trauma bonds. Getting genuine outside perspectives just might be the help we need to find the courage to leave.
Diversify Community
This is a good one even if the church we attend isn’t abusive. It’s healthy to have different groups of friends and have access to diverse points of view. When a church expects to be our only or primary community, that’s a red flag.
One of the most painful parts of leaving an abusive church is the loss of community. Sometimes, the church was our family, our community, and our job all wrapped in one. We might not see it coming, but if we do, one potential safeguard we can create for the aftermath of leaving is building community elsewhere.
Maybe it’s a book club, a volunteer group at our child’s school, or an exercise class. For me, it was a group of people in their 70s, at a historical Italian restaurant in the Westwood neighborhood of Los Angeles. How I found this place is a story for another time, but I hung out with them nearly every week. When I stopped going to church, having this consistent weekly ritual in place helped lessen the impact of the loss of community. Losing our church community is still devastating. But having other community outside of church can help make it easier to leave when we anticipate that ending.
One final thought: Don’t worry about trying to heal from the trauma of abuse until you’ve left the abusive system. You can’t heal when the abuse is ongoing, so it’s okay to just do what you need to do to survive. Put every spare moment and morsel of energy into your exit plan, and focus on healing once you’ve gotten to safety.
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Katherine Spearing is an author, trauma recovery practitioner, and founder of Tears of Eden. You can follow her on Instagram @katherinespearing