A Middle Choice to Going No Contact: Navigating Relationships After High-Control Religion

There are folks for whom going no-contact is necessary. They are dangerous to our well-being, and the separation is important. But there are a lot of folks who maybe don't require this level of separation,  even though navigating the relationship is still complex and often painful. Maybe we recognize, after leaving a high-control religious space (church, ministry, family, etc.), that these friends or family members have an agenda for our healing. Have they decided how long it should take and what it should look like, when that is really only up to us? Maybe they have an agenda for where they want us to land on the religious spectrum. Maybe they demonstrate a pattern of  dishonoring our boundaries, not  believing our story, or maybe they do but don't take it seriously. Possibly they just don't have the capacity to carry our story with any real compassion or care. 

Here's what I suggest...

Going no contact might feel extreme, but staying in close relationship isn't working anymore. Rather than choosing between one of two binary choices (full contact or no contact) I suggest a redistribution of energy. 

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We aren't going no contact per-se, we're guarding the amount of  energy (time, emotion, etc.) we are putting into the relationship. When we receive an invite to a life event, we don't  automatically say yes--even if they are family or were once close friends. We consider each invite and ask ourselves, "Is there something else I'd rather do during that event?" If the answer is yes, even if what we'd rather be doing is hanging out by ourselves, we politely decline. (And we don't have to explain or offer an excuse!)

Maybe we send them a Christmas card but no longer put the energy into writing a personal note. Maybe we don't respond to every text or answer every phone call. This isn't to punish them or send a passive aggressive message. It's an intentional redistribution of our emotional resources. We choose  not to grant these relationships any more of our valuable emotional space than is absolutely necessary. We aren’t making this choice to try to change them. We’re making this choice because we are releasing them to be who they have shown us they already are. 

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This shift may initially cause us some distress and we might receive a little pushback. But eventually, over time, we will discover that these relationships slowly start to shift and fade on their own. As we acknowledge the truth, that these relationships are no longer (or maybe never were) built on mutual respect and trust, the fuel that once kept them going gradually burns out. 

Here’s the difficult truth: If you aren't healing fast enough for these folks; if you aren't landing where they think you should on the religious spectrum, if your boundaries aren't worth their effort to honor, then really, what is the point of putting time and energy into maintaining the relationship? (Yes, even if they are family members!) This choice doesn't have to be forever. The relationship can change at any time. All relationships ebb and flow. The choice to redistribute your energy is initiating the ebb. It's acknowledging the ebb that was already forthcoming. 

You might also discover, as you redistribute your energy, that you suddenly have more energy for the things you enjoy. You create  more space for equitable relationships and even new relationships. While there will certainly be an adjustment period, the extra emotional space and freedom in the aftermath is going to be worth your time, energy, and dignity. 

One final thought: You can let this shift occur without having a "talk." I don't believe you have to have a conversation with the person for whom you are redistributing your energy. I think high-control religion taught us bad habits in the name of accountability that led us to believe we have to have a knock-down, drag-out conversation about every hint of conflict. People are allowed to believe what they want. It's not our job to change people's minds. It's also not our responsibility to continue to give our emotional resources to folks whose values and choices negatively impact our peace of mind.  We can let them make their own choices, but we don't have to capitulate and embrace it--especially if it's impacting our well-being.

With some lingering relationships after surviving high-control religion, going no contact can feel extreme and it's not always necessary. But we don't have to continue expending energy to preserve the relationship either. We are allowed to do something high-control religion told us we weren't allowed to do: make a choice to care for our emotional well-being, even if that means some relationships begin to fade. 

 Katherine Spearing MA, CTRC works primarily with clients who have survived cults, high-control environments, spiritual abuse, and sexual abuse. She also provides specialized trauma informed career coaching, as folks with trauma often need extra support for interviewing and networking. Her book on Spiritual Abuse releases in October 2025.