Review of River A. Sterling’s Memoir Apologos

A Pursuit of Building Something Better: A Memoir of Abuse, Healing, and Resilience.

The book reviewed in this article contains sensitive material that may be disturbing or triggering for some readers. It includes depictions and discussions of spiritual abuse, sexual abuse, physical violence, mental illness, trauma, and other difficult topics. Reader discretion is advised. Please take care of yourself as you navigate this material, and consider whether this content may be harmful or distressing to you at this time. If you need support, please reach out to a trusted person or professional.

In his memoir Apologos, River Sterling chronicles his story of overcoming childhood trauma, religious radicalization, and mental illness. Sterling’s memoir joins a growing list of books written by brave, courageous survivors of spiritual, physical, and mental abuse at the hands of their caregivers and/or religious leaders. Though heartbreaking–and at times, graphic in its explanations–this memoir is a harrowing, honest chronicle of the real, tangible impacts of trauma, mental illness, and religious radicalization in the life of a survivor. Sterling’s memoir offers readers insights into the lived experience of being raised surrounded by mental illness and experiencing physical and sexual trauma.

Want to help people on the healing journey in the aftermath of Spiritual Abuse? Give a donation to support survivors here.

In his memoir, Sterling non-chronologically explains significant  time periods, patterns, and problems in his life. These include being raised by a (possibly) bipolar mother and a passive father who didn’t intervene, extensive family estrangement, his (and his family’s) experience with mental illness, and the lifelong pain and trauma associated with his upbringing. While Sterling doesn’t detail his story by age or year, he skillfully organizes his story by topic and theme, giving the reader a plethora of lived examples of his experience of a particular issue (such as family estrangement or mental illness). The stories Sterling tells–from his mother’s obsession with sex, or his process of filing restraining orders against his parents– are painfully and honestly written, bringing his reader directly into his lived experience.
Interested in more content like this? Subscribe to our newsletter here.

Towards the end of the book, Sterling writes, “I understood that I could not erase the past, but I could choose to use those experiences as a foundation for building something better. Every day that I lived intentionally was a commitment to becoming the best version of myself–not in spite of what I endured, but because of it.” I find this statement to be a concise summary of his writing style, voice, and personal reflections throughout the book. 

Sterling tells his story in a deeply reflective, straightforward, and authentic way. He doesn’t sugar-coat the truth of what happens, and writes in a way that helps the reader look back with him on his story. You’ll often find him remarking that while he didn’t understand something (such as his mother’s preoccupation with talking about sex and sexual violence) in the moment, as an adult he can look back with a better, more plausible reason for why his mother behaved the way she did. Similarly, you’ll discover Sterling wrestling with the lifelong implications and impacts of control, cruelty, impossible expectations, and intense religious pressure. Sterling honestly reckons with his past in a way that acknowledges his inability to erase it. He can use his experiences as a foundation for being and living better in his present life. Sterling vulnerably recounts some of the most painful, difficult moments and realizations of his life in a way that makes the reader feel like they’re experiencing it alongside him. This book is a difficult read (please heed the trigger warning above!), but you will also learn so much from Sterling’s story and capacity to reflect on his past with honesty and sincerity, grieving the life and upbringing he experienced, while committing to live intentionally in the present. 

Whether you’re a survivor looking to know you’re not alone, or simply seeking to understand the lived experience of others, I would highly recommend Apologos. While I’d once again caution readers to read with care–I still recommend this book to readers looking for an impactful and honest memoir. To purchase your copy of Apologos, visit Amazon.