A Thousand Tiny Paper Cuts - Part 4: Grieving the Relationships We Didn’t Want to Lose

Written By Halley Watson Kim

This five-part series is inspired by the book "A Thousand Tiny Paper Cuts" by Tears of Eden founder Katherine Spearing, launching on October 14th, 2025. The book explores the hidden wounds of spiritual abuse in the evangelical church and offers pathways toward healing, wholeness, and freedom. Each post connects a core idea from Katherine’s book to the lives of those living with, healing from, or supporting a loved one affected by spiritual abuse, along with relevant resources and vocabulary.

From the Book

“We lose so much when we lose our spiritual community. We don’t just lose church on Sunday, we lose connection to an entire history. It’s a loss as deep as losing a hundred loved ones. In a sense, that’s exactly what we’ve lost. Like with any loss or grief, there is a period of mourning.

Whatever you decide to do, don’t skip the grief. It may rise up unexpectedly for years to come. Welcome those tears. Befriend your anger. Write curses for the people who hurt you on pieces of paper—then burn the pieces. This loss is worthy of your grief. You deserve an opportunity to mourn.”

Personal Reflection

In my twenties, I was part of a single womenʼs Bible study. We called it “Best Bible Study Ever,”  “BBSE” for short. We covered the epistles, we did Kay Arthurʼs inductive studies, we had accountability partners, we even studied freaking Ezekiel. But what we did more than anything was prayer requests, which really meant life updates, which really meant three hours of “doing life together.” Oh, and we also had a hotness scale we used for discussing men, obviously.

I was the first to get married, and BBSE saw me through all of it, from my now-husbandʼs “pursuit” of me to the bachelorette party to decorating the reception venue. Those nine women were my everything. Two of them still are. But these days I donʼt talk to most of them. I didnʼt become a raging heretic until after BBSE disbanded for benign reasons. However, I shudder to think how awkward it would have been to stop believing in Hell while still meeting my evangelical besties for Starbucks and Jesus every week.

When I was actively deconstructing, one of my BBSE friends–a bridesmaid in my wedding–approached me about my changing beliefs. She wasnʼt unkind, but she didnʼt mind putting me on the spot. I stammered out something other than “I renounce the slippery slope,” and that was the beginning of the slow turn from friends to acquaintances. It didnʼt take many words on her part or mine to establish our new reality: our full selves were no longer safe with the other.

Itʼs not her fault or mine that our friendship cooled–it's toxic religionʼs fault. Indoctrination does not allow people to evolve, and when they do, indoctrination beats relationships. Some of my deconstruction pains have been sharp wounds with profuse bleeding. Others, like this one, have been slowly settling griefs, seismic in retrospect. I wish my friend and I now had a hilarity scale for discussing our children, but we donʼt.

Resource Section

Halley Watson Kim
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A Thousand Tiny Paper Cuts - Part 3: Sex and Our Bodies