A Thousand Tiny Paper Cuts - Part 2: Loving Yourself When You Were Taught to Hate Yourself
This five-part series is inspired by the book "A Thousand Tiny Paper Cuts" by Tears of Eden founder Katherine Spearing, launching on October 14, 2025. The book explores the hidden wounds of spiritual abuse in the evangelical church and offers pathways toward healing, wholeness, and freedom. Each post connects a core idea from Katherine’s book to the lives of those living with, healing from, or supporting a loved one affected by spiritual abuse, along with relevant resources and vocabulary.
From the Book
“The untangling is so hard because ultimately in that (Christian) culture it’s be loved or follow your desires. That’s the catch, right? Conformity over authenticity—but you will be ‘loved.’ So of course we will squash our desires, because isolation is the ultimate hell.”
Desires are dangerous to high-control spaces. People who are tapped into their desires are alive and full of hope. It’s difficult to control people who are fully alive. Forcing conformity is how these spaces keep people subdued—by conditioning people to surrender their desires to a God the power holders created to serve their own agenda.
Personal Reflection
Loving yourself when you were taught to hate yourself is messy and complicated. If you grew up in a religious system that focused on your flaws and sinful state, it can feel wrong; like you’re breaking all the rules! Being honest with yourself about who you are and what you want in life is really hard.
And here’s what I’ve noticed. The more self-aware I become, the more shame rears its ugly head. The old programming flares up as soon as I even think about loving myself rather than judging myself. But having your own unique set of beliefs and wants and needs is important as you begin to heal, even though you were taught to deny yourself. Warning, you may start to feel overwhelmed by anger and grief at how much of yourself you’ve lost. Give yourself grace. That anger is your body saying, “Hey, I care about you, and the way you were expected to live wasn’t okay!”.
Learning to love myself for who I am hasn’t come in one large, dramatic moment. It’s happened in small steps, one tiny choice at a time: actively listening to my own thoughts without judgment, journaling with raw emotion, creating something just for me, sharing true feelings with a trusted friend, or just letting myself have something that makes me feel good. Guilt and shame still show up, but I’ve learned to view them with curiosity. Whose voice is this if it’s not mine? Why does this moment feel so heavy? Do I still believe this?
Every time I choose compassion over shame, or curiosity over guilt, I remind myself of something I was rarely told: I am worthy of love. And so are you!
Come back for the next post in the series! Part 3: Sex and Our Bodies
Resource Section
Article: Deconstructing Therapy-You Are Worthy of Getting Help by Shari A. Smith
Article: What Does it Mean to be Broken and Beloved? by Leah Jolly
Podcast: S3:E4 Processing Spiritual Abuse with Drs. Lover & Rogers
Key Vocabulary
spiritual abuse: Abuse that occurs within a religious context, including the deliberate use of God and a sacred text to manipulate, coerce, control, and exploit.